| Lyrics: | typing sounds]
Dr. Stewart: Hi, [I'm] Dr. Stewart.
Gary Phelps: Hi, Dr. Stewart.
Nice to meet you -- I'm Gary Phelps.
Dr. Stewart: My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been
hypnotized before?
Gary Phelps: No, I haven't. I'm actually quite nervous, but I just,
uh,
I --
Dr. Stewart: All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
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Gary Phelps: To be honest with you, I saw your name in the Yellow Pages,
and It said
you're good at this stuff, so I just, I gotta give it a
shot, just kick this whole cigarette
thing...
Dr. Stewart: So smoking is your problem?
Gary Phelps: Yeah, I can't stop
smoking and it's -- it's finally, like,
affecting everything I do, I can't run, I can't play
basketball and all
that stuff like that, so I, I gotta give it up.
Dr. Stewart: How
long have you smoked, Gary?
Gary Phelps: Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I
just can't
kick it, you know?
Dr. Stewart: Yeah, right. [small, barely
noticeable fart] All right,
Gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just
relax --
what I do is hypnosis.
Gary Phelps: Right.
Dr. Stewart: Basically I
just want you to sit back and relax -- let
yourself sit back and relax and sink into the
chair, and , um, just feel
comfortable and trust me.
[bigger fart]
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Gary Phelps: [noticing fart sound] Uh...
Dr. Stewart: That's it.
Gary Phelps:
O-kay....
Dr. Stewart: That's it.
Gary Phelps: That was...o-kay...
Dr.
Stewart: All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes, and I
just want you to again
relax and try to concentrate on nothing. Okay?
That's it. Now I'm gonna count backwards from
five to zero --
Gary Phelps: Right.
Dr. Stewart: -- and I just want you to relax,
and you're going to fall
into a deep state of mind -- of subconsciousness -- you're very
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comfortable, I'll be counting back from five, I just want you
to relax, and just think of
nothing.
[three farts in succession]
Gary Phelps: Are you gonna keep doing that,
or...?
Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Just concentrate now. That's it. Close your eyes. Keep
your
eyes closed. Okay. Now. We're very comfortable. Five [small fart],
we're thinking of nothing
except being comfortable and nothing's
bothering us. Okay. When I say the word "relax,"
listen to me, you're
sinking, you're sinking, [medium fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh my
god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
Dr. Stewart: Please just try to relax;
that wasn't me. Okay. You're very
stressed -- you're very stressed. Okay, four, we're
relaxing, we're
relaxing, you're very comfortable, you're very, very soothed. Okay.
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Four, three...[fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can't...
Dr.
Stewart: That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it's -- the
vinyl -- it's a new couch
-- please, just try and concentrate. Okay. And
we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking
nothing bothers us, nothing
bothers us -- [several farts]
Gary Phelps: Uh, um, all
right, could you open a window, maybe? I'm just
having a tough time concentrating --
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Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we're
relaxing [fart and
cough together] three, two, two --
Gary Phelps: I was just going to ask you if you could
maybe stop doing
that. I can't concentrate when you're doing that.
Dr. Stewart: This
is what I do. It's a counting-down thing. We're
relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go, don't
focus on anything else,
just concentrate on what we're doing here. Three, two, relax,
relax,
that's it, just relax [fart], we're relaxing now --
Gary Phelps: Okay --
you're gonna -- that one was -- it's getting a
little irritating --
Dr. Stewart: Hang
on just a second here. Let me just step out a second
here.
Gary Phelps: That'd be
good.
Dr. Stewart: All right, and we're relaxing, as I leave, we're relaxing,
still
relaxing,
[fart in the distance]
Gary Phelps: Jesus...Oh my God.
Dr.
Stewart: We're relaxing.
Gary Phelps: [trying hard not to laugh]
Dr. Stewart: Okay,
I'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down,
we're to two, and all we're thinking about
is healthy, fresh air.
Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting
out. [fart]
Gary Phelps: Sir, I'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'. But
okay, okay,
fine, thank you.
Dr. Stewart: That's it, you're all right, everything's good. All right,
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you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair, we're
relaxing, one [long
fart], and we're coming down to zero
and --
Gary Phelps: Oh my god, uh...yes, all
right, it was nothing...
Dr. Stewart: No, no, that time that was you.
Gary Phelps:
That wasn't me!
Dr. Stewart: We're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick
sides,
that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but
right
now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um, let's not worry about
anything else that's going
down --
Gary Phelps: OK, I've just gotta kick this habit.
Dr. Stewart: Down to zero,
relaxing, we're going to feel very fresh
[fart], we're going to feel very healthy [fart], and
let's take a nice,
deep breath --
Gary Phelps: I can't breathe, sir, uh, I'm sorry, I
just -- ["squirty"
fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like
baby food --
Dr. Stewart: All right, we're relaxing -- that one probably squirted
out
a little into the pants, but we'll just continue with thte floating
[fart] --
yeah, that was definitely a squirt -- but here we go, one,
zero, we are under. Are you
relaxed?
Gary Phelps: Yeah, I'm under, I guess.
Dr. Stewart: Here we go, relaxing,
relaxing. You're under a deep trance,
you will not smoke anymore, you will just feel healthy
from now on, and
you'll be breathing in nothing but fresh air, and you will not smell
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anything in this room, it wasn't me, it wasn't me farting [fart] -- that
was not me --
Gary Phelps: [hysterically laughing under his breath] You're gonna have
to stop doing
that, sir. It's just very hard for me to listen to you
when you're --
Dr. Stewart:
You're floating now, you're high above, you're looking
down, nothing but fresh pastures and
fields, and here we go [long fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh man...
Dr. Stewart: -- that was
you,
Gary Phelps: That was not me, sir! I'm watching you!
Dr. Stewart: That was you,
and when you wake up, you will not remember
any of this, except that it was you, or my
receptionist, don't worry,
she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I'm
perfectly
clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you
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yourself. And let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here.
No smoking.
Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig.
Gary Phelps: What?
Dr. Stewart: All right, we're
moving along, and we;'re relaxed. [fart]
All right, and now we're going to count back up, up
one to five,
Gary Phelps: OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don't want to
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smoke...
Dr. Stewart: Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five, you will
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snap out of this, and you won't remember this, especially the smell, the
smell was from
you. All right? And here we go. Zero, we're coming out of
it, you're waking up slowly, your
eyes are opening, one, you're feeling
good, and when you wake up, you'll feel wide awake and
perfect you'll
feel whole and [fart] all-righty, I ripped that one out there and I
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apologize. I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
Gary Phelps: That was not
nice.
Dr. Stewart: Here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
Gary Phelps: What was
that?
Dr. Stewart: That was three.
Gary Phelps: It didn't sound like three.
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Dr. Stewart: three, I'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, and
you don't smoke,
you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart]
five, and -- [snap] Do you want a
cigarette?
Gary Phelps: No I don't.
Dr. Stewart: Then my job is done.
Gary
Phelps: [bursts into laughter]
Dr. Stewart: [fart] Please leave the door open as you leave.
[fart]
Gary Phelps: OK, thank you, Doctor |
