| Lyrics: | Four Prominent Bastards
(Ogden Nash)
I'm an autocratic figure
in these democratic states
A dandy demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of
the baker make the most delicious breads
And the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive
beds,
And the Barrymores and Roosevelts and others I could name
Inherited the features
that perpetuate their fame,
My position in the structure of society I owe
To the qualities
my parents bequeathed me long ago.
Now, my father was a gentleman, and musical, to
boot;
He used to play piano in a house of ill repute.
My mother was the madam, and a
credit to her cult
She liked my daddy's playing, and I was the result.
So my mammy and my
daddy are the ones I've got to thank,
I'm the chairman of the board of the National City
Bank.
cho: Our parents forgot to get married
Our parents forgot to get
wed;
Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
They were somewhere off in
bed.
So it's thanks to our kind-hearted parents
We're kings in this land of the
free
The banker, the broker, the Washington joker
Three prominent bastards are
we.
In a cozy little cottage, in a cozy little dell
A dear old-fashioned farmer and
his daughter used to dwell.
She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was
mild
And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child.
The year her
hospitality attained a record high
She found herself the mother of an infant, which was
I.
And whenever she was gloomy I could always make her grin
By childishly inquiring who my
daddy might have been.
Now the hired man was favored by the gals of mammy's set
And the
traveling man from Scranton was an even-money bet,
But such were mammy motives, and such was
her allure
That even Roger Babson wasn't altogether sure.
So I took my mammy's morals and
I took my daddy's crust
And I grew to be the founder of a big investment trust.
On a
dusty southern chain-gang, on a dusty southern road
My late-lamented pappy made his permanent
abode,
Now while some was there for stealing, my pappy's only fault
Was an overwhelming
weakness for criminal assault.
His philosophy was simple, and free of moral
tape,
"Seduction is for sissies; a he-man wants his rape!"
Pappy's total list of victims
was embarrassingly rich
And though one of them was mammy, still he could not tell me
which.
Well I never went to college, but I got me a degree,
I guess I am the model of a
perfect S.O.B,
I'm a debit to my country, but a credit to my dad,
The most expensive
senator this country ever had.
I remember pappy's telling me, "Boy, rapin' is a
crime
Unless you rape the voters, a million at a time."
I'm an ordinary figure in
these democratic states,
A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of
the cops possess the flattest kind of feet
And the daughter of the floozie has a waggle to
seat,
My position in the basement of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed
me long ago.
Now, my father was a married man, and what is even more
He was married to my
mother, a fact that I deplore
I was born in holy wedlock, consequently bye and bye
I got
rooked by every bastard with plunder in his eye.
I invested, I deposited, I voted every
fall
Did I ever get a penny saved, those bastards took it all.
Well, at last I've learned
my lesson, and I'm on the proper track
I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm gonna get it
back.
final cho:
Our parents forgot to get married
Our parents forgot
to get wed;
Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
They were somewhere
off in bed.
So it's thanks to our kind-hearted parents
We're kings in this land
of the free
The banker, the broker, the Washington joker
Three prominent
bastards --- and me,
The banker, the broker, the joker and me
Four prominent
bastards are we.
This was, the story goes, written for a Gridiron Club dinner ca. 1941,
and
was broadcast on Armed Service Radio by mistake. It's been published as "A
Ballad to
be Sung By Four Prominent Love Children"
@political @sex
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